( it's enough, for a moment at least, just to know that he's safe. she'd never really let herself believe that the rest of the Nest wouldn't be making it back in time, but even unacknowledged and ignored the fear had persisted. it had niggled and wormed and refused to be drowned out by any piece of rationale that elena had thrown at it, and it only starts to subside once damon is in her arms.
she'll analyse the hell out of this reaction later, but for now it's enough to know that he's alive.
his comment even gets something of a laugh out of her -- except it's not really a laugh so much as this relieved wheeze-slash-exhale that ends up mostly muffled as she drops her head onto his shoulder. she just relaxes with tension she hadn't even known she was carrying, and this all is going to be very concerning to her later.
but that's later. )
I could have killed him when he said we had to leave without you. ( she admits, and perhaps neither of them had initially been all that compliant. they got there in the end though, well in advance of damon. enough for her to have all but twisted herself up in worry, at least. ) I could have killed you. What were you thinking?
( she knows, of course. she knows why he went in, who he had to save. more than that, she's willing to bet that he's at least a decent part of why everyone made it back ( mostly ) safely. it's a curious thing, that it doesn't surprise her. a month ago, the idea of damon doing anything selfless would have sent her into fits of laughter or a furious rant, maybe both. but whoever that person is that elena thought she knew with such certainty, it isn't the same man that stands before her now. not by a long shot. )
it's all he can think, as she clings to him and wheeze-laughs into his shoulder. her relief is palpable, both in his head and physically — the tension leaves her shoulders, but also the air loses a sense of fear. elena was really afraid for him, and damon —
he hadn't known. he'd forgotten that she doesn't remember what he can take, what he's been through for her and their friends already. putting himself in the line of fire for his people is what he does, but... elena doesn't know that. she hasn't seen him stick his neck out for anyone but himself, has only known him to not be a total ass for a month now. this is all so new for her, danger isn't a normal part of her life, and this is maybe the first taste she's ever really had of it. )
Life without a brother would definitely be easier, you sure you don't want to do it now?
( the words are a clear joke, and damon wraps his other arm around elena's waist, holding her more tightly. he hadn't considered that she would worry so much, but now that he has he retroactively feels like shit. she's lost enough people in her life, even if she doesn't remember it, making her worry about him — it just feels cruel. cruelty is not something that damon is averse to, not by a long shot, but he'd never want to hurt her.
her question makes him pull back, and he looks at elena with an almost unreadable expression. there's a pause as he just looks at her for a moment, one of his arms unwinding from her waist to cup his hand to her cheek. )
Saving Misato wouldn't have been worth it if I lost you, ( he says, voice soft and low. )
( even five minutes ago a joke about either of them dying would have been unthinkable, anyone insensitive enough to make one would have probably had their heads bitten off. but now that Damon is back on the station, everyone is safe, it's actually funny, and she even considers pointing out that she might still kill the both of them yet. hell, it'd make her life a hell of a lot simpler if nothing else.
but it's kind of hard to joke about when she's being given a look like that, one which is completely unrecognisable and at the same time full of such depth that it completely silences any ideas of joking in her mind. elena can't quite tell what she's expecting him to say next, but well-
it's not that. )
That's not true... ( it's a pretty lame response, if she's honest with herself, and her voice is quiet and weak to match it. she'd blame the expression - or the hand on her face maybe, it makes it hard to think - except that would be as good as admitting to something...else entirely, and it's not time for that.
not yet anyway. maybe. ) It was..brave, Damon. It really was. You were brave. Who knows who would have made it back without you.
( wouldn't have been worth it if i lost you is still very much fresh and present in her mind, though, and after a brief pause she swallows and raises one of her own hands up to rest over Damon's on her cheek, and she gives a little squeeze. )
I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't made it back.
( in another situation, damon might argue the point. he might revisit a moment from home, one she hasn't lived yet — i will always choose you — to make sure she knows just how important she is to him, how utterly vital. but elena's denial is weak, and she must know that she's being ridiculous. misato's life, the station, his life, none of them are worth anything if she's not waiting for him. it may not be something she likes, but that's never stopped it from being true.
and then she calls him brave, and he's so caught off guard he actually chuckles. )
Hardly. I just really wanted to kick Misato's ass for not listening to me. Can't kick her ass if I don't get her back first.
( damon isn't brave. he's an impulsive asshole, motivated by violence and self-interest before anything else. there's no room for bravery in that. that's what he knows of himself, what everyone else sees — stefan and elena both have told him as much often enough that he knows they don't disagree.
elena calling him brave, though... it's enough to make him wonder if he could be, someday.
her hand closes over his and everything in damon's head short circuits. it's ridiculous what she can do to him with a touch — but it's not just the gentle pressure of her hand over his. it's that, and the look on her face, and the words coming out of her mouth. it's everything, she is everything. whether she knows it or not. )
You're never going to have to find out, ( he says, the words coming out without thought, but as soon as he's said them he knows it's true. he'll do whatever he has to to make it true. ) I promise you, I'll always come back to you.
( it's a completely illogical statement, really. there's no way for Damon to be able to make that promise - even outside of the station, back home, anything could happen. he can't really promise that he'll always come back, no one can know that for sure.
but Damon says it, and Elena believes him.
it's the worst possible timing, but her eyes focus on Damon's and almost instantly all Elena can think about is the last time they were this close. the hotel room had been...complicated. or not complicated, not really, just intense, and it had kind of scared her a little. what if Damon hadn't pulled back? what if Stefan hadn't arrived the very next day? the 'what if's are enough to make her head spin, and now is the last time she wants to be thinking like that.
she's relieved that he's here, that he's safe. they've grown a lot closer since being on the station -- and Stefan, he couldn't lose his brother like that. it's relief, nothing more. it can't be anything more.
and yet he's barely a foot from her, she's still wrapped around him, she's got his hand in hers, and for a moment the only thing that is on her mind is the fact that not even a week earlier she was inches, moments away from kissing him. she's thinking about it again now, intense relief intermingled with...whatever it is that she's feeling, being this close to him. it'd be so easy to just close the gap...
so Elena steps back. she's holding his hand still, tight, but she has to put a bit more physical distance between the two of them, and fast. now this, this is complicated. )
You better. ( she says, and smiles, and it's not exactly strained but it's certainly more difficult than it should be. ) I can't do this without you, Damon.
( of all the things damon has ever thought possible, this moment, this precise situation, has never been one of them. he knows what he's in for in life, has made his peace with it — second best, always. making the hard decisions so the good people don't have to get their hands dirty, and accepting the ire that comes with that. being relied on and despised by turns, because they know when they need him but hate that they do, because he refuses to wallow in the guilt they think is the most important part of being good. he is a part of the group and also apart from it, a cherished friend who can't be dealt with in front of others because then they'll know. all of this, he understands and accepts.
nowhere in this understanding did he make room for the realization that elena wants him.
he can feel it, focused in on her as he is. she still hasn't taken sam's shielding lessons, so she broadcasts her emotions to anyone not specifically closing themselves off from her, and in this moment, damon is the least guarded he's ever been. if he weren't, maybe he wouldn't have felt it. if she'd taken those lessons, maybe she'd be shielding now — or maybe she'd be just as overwhelmed and unguarded as he is. in the end, it doesn't matter. he's unguarded, she has no shields, and so he feels it: elena gilbert wants to kiss him.
before he can really process the thought, she's stepped away, and the spell ends. for a moment, he just stares at her, but eventually he smiles and drops his arm from around her waist. her hand he holds, just as tightly as she's holding his. wanting to kiss him isn't the same as wanting him. if she really wanted to switch brothers, she'd do it. that she hasn't says all that needs to be said.
still, it's a comfort. bittersweet, but still. )
You're stronger than you think, Elena. You'd do fine.
( really, she should be breaking contact entirely. the last thing Elena ever thought she'd be having to worry about in hivemind space horror of all places is some kind of relationship drama, and yet here she is. you can (all but forcibly) remove the girl from high school, but you can't take the high school out of the girl, apparently. it feels stupid, honestly, to be caught up in something as normal as this when their lives have so rapidly become the exact opposite of normal. Stefan is human, Damon's a friend hahahahahahha, and Elena has some kind of freezing power.
there shouldn't be time to get caught up in a love triangle, but somehow that's exactly what's happening.
so she should let go of his hand, but she doesn't. there's more space now, she's stepped back once more just to really feel like she's 'doing the right thing', but she can't make herself let go of his hand yet. she brings them down from her face, but she's still clutching it between them like a lifeline. )
Well, I don't want to find out how strong that is. ( her shoulders hunch, a little gesture that's supposed to be a shrug following as her gaze drops to the floor. ) I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want to lose you.
( and to think, she doesn't even know how bad it's going to get in mystic falls. )
( she doesn't know, but damon does. he's seen elena at some of her darkest periods, when it seemed the entire world was out to destroy her, to take the things she loved and rip them from her as traumatically as possible. their home universe has never been kind to elena gilbert, and it's not hard to imagine that this one, and whatever new ones the nest forces them to visit, will be no different.
it just makes him more determined to keep his promise. now that stefan is human, damon is the last person she has who can't die in something as simple and mortal as a car accident. he's the last person she has who can promise to come back and have a chance of keeping that promise, and nothing will make him break it. more than that, he'll do whatever he has to to keep the other people elena loves alive. any friends she makes on the station, on the planets they visit, stefan — none of them will die if he can help it.
elena's put more space between them, but damon closes it, dropping her hand only to pull her into another hug. it's not the best — hugs are not something he does — but he couldn't see her standing like that without doing something. )
You're going to regret saying that one day, you know, ( he says, voice light with somewhat-forced levity. ) One day you'll want me gone and I'll point to this conversation.
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she'll analyse the hell out of this reaction later, but for now it's enough to know that he's alive.
his comment even gets something of a laugh out of her -- except it's not really a laugh so much as this relieved wheeze-slash-exhale that ends up mostly muffled as she drops her head onto his shoulder. she just relaxes with tension she hadn't even known she was carrying, and this all is going to be very concerning to her later.
but that's later. )
I could have killed him when he said we had to leave without you. ( she admits, and perhaps neither of them had initially been all that compliant. they got there in the end though, well in advance of damon. enough for her to have all but twisted herself up in worry, at least. ) I could have killed you. What were you thinking?
( she knows, of course. she knows why he went in, who he had to save. more than that, she's willing to bet that he's at least a decent part of why everyone made it back ( mostly ) safely. it's a curious thing, that it doesn't surprise her. a month ago, the idea of damon doing anything selfless would have sent her into fits of laughter or a furious rant, maybe both. but whoever that person is that elena thought she knew with such certainty, it isn't the same man that stands before her now. not by a long shot. )
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it's all he can think, as she clings to him and wheeze-laughs into his shoulder. her relief is palpable, both in his head and physically — the tension leaves her shoulders, but also the air loses a sense of fear. elena was really afraid for him, and damon —
he hadn't known. he'd forgotten that she doesn't remember what he can take, what he's been through for her and their friends already. putting himself in the line of fire for his people is what he does, but... elena doesn't know that. she hasn't seen him stick his neck out for anyone but himself, has only known him to not be a total ass for a month now. this is all so new for her, danger isn't a normal part of her life, and this is maybe the first taste she's ever really had of it. )
Life without a brother would definitely be easier, you sure you don't want to do it now?
( the words are a clear joke, and damon wraps his other arm around elena's waist, holding her more tightly. he hadn't considered that she would worry so much, but now that he has he retroactively feels like shit. she's lost enough people in her life, even if she doesn't remember it, making her worry about him — it just feels cruel. cruelty is not something that damon is averse to, not by a long shot, but he'd never want to hurt her.
her question makes him pull back, and he looks at elena with an almost unreadable expression. there's a pause as he just looks at her for a moment, one of his arms unwinding from her waist to cup his hand to her cheek. )
Saving Misato wouldn't have been worth it if I lost you, ( he says, voice soft and low. )
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but it's kind of hard to joke about when she's being given a look like that, one which is completely unrecognisable and at the same time full of such depth that it completely silences any ideas of joking in her mind. elena can't quite tell what she's expecting him to say next, but well-
it's not that. )
That's not true... ( it's a pretty lame response, if she's honest with herself, and her voice is quiet and weak to match it. she'd blame the expression - or the hand on her face maybe, it makes it hard to think - except that would be as good as admitting to something...else entirely, and it's not time for that.
not yet anyway. maybe. ) It was..brave, Damon. It really was. You were brave. Who knows who would have made it back without you.
( wouldn't have been worth it if i lost you is still very much fresh and present in her mind, though, and after a brief pause she swallows and raises one of her own hands up to rest over Damon's on her cheek, and she gives a little squeeze. )
I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't made it back.
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and then she calls him brave, and he's so caught off guard he actually chuckles. )
Hardly. I just really wanted to kick Misato's ass for not listening to me. Can't kick her ass if I don't get her back first.
( damon isn't brave. he's an impulsive asshole, motivated by violence and self-interest before anything else. there's no room for bravery in that. that's what he knows of himself, what everyone else sees — stefan and elena both have told him as much often enough that he knows they don't disagree.
elena calling him brave, though... it's enough to make him wonder if he could be, someday.
her hand closes over his and everything in damon's head short circuits. it's ridiculous what she can do to him with a touch — but it's not just the gentle pressure of her hand over his. it's that, and the look on her face, and the words coming out of her mouth. it's everything, she is everything. whether she knows it or not. )
You're never going to have to find out, ( he says, the words coming out without thought, but as soon as he's said them he knows it's true. he'll do whatever he has to to make it true. ) I promise you, I'll always come back to you.
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but Damon says it, and Elena believes him.
it's the worst possible timing, but her eyes focus on Damon's and almost instantly all Elena can think about is the last time they were this close. the hotel room had been...complicated. or not complicated, not really, just intense, and it had kind of scared her a little. what if Damon hadn't pulled back? what if Stefan hadn't arrived the very next day? the 'what if's are enough to make her head spin, and now is the last time she wants to be thinking like that.
she's relieved that he's here, that he's safe. they've grown a lot closer since being on the station -- and Stefan, he couldn't lose his brother like that. it's relief, nothing more. it can't be anything more.
and yet he's barely a foot from her, she's still wrapped around him, she's got his hand in hers, and for a moment the only thing that is on her mind is the fact that not even a week earlier she was inches, moments away from kissing him. she's thinking about it again now, intense relief intermingled with...whatever it is that she's feeling, being this close to him. it'd be so easy to just close the gap...
so Elena steps back. she's holding his hand still, tight, but she has to put a bit more physical distance between the two of them, and fast. now this, this is complicated. )
You better. ( she says, and smiles, and it's not exactly strained but it's certainly more difficult than it should be. ) I can't do this without you, Damon.
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nowhere in this understanding did he make room for the realization that elena wants him.
he can feel it, focused in on her as he is. she still hasn't taken sam's shielding lessons, so she broadcasts her emotions to anyone not specifically closing themselves off from her, and in this moment, damon is the least guarded he's ever been. if he weren't, maybe he wouldn't have felt it. if she'd taken those lessons, maybe she'd be shielding now — or maybe she'd be just as overwhelmed and unguarded as he is. in the end, it doesn't matter. he's unguarded, she has no shields, and so he feels it: elena gilbert wants to kiss him.
before he can really process the thought, she's stepped away, and the spell ends. for a moment, he just stares at her, but eventually he smiles and drops his arm from around her waist. her hand he holds, just as tightly as she's holding his. wanting to kiss him isn't the same as wanting him. if she really wanted to switch brothers, she'd do it. that she hasn't says all that needs to be said.
still, it's a comfort. bittersweet, but still. )
You're stronger than you think, Elena. You'd do fine.
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hahahahahahha, and Elena has some kind of freezing power.there shouldn't be time to get caught up in a love triangle, but somehow that's exactly what's happening.
so she should let go of his hand, but she doesn't. there's more space now, she's stepped back once more just to really feel like she's 'doing the right thing', but she can't make herself let go of his hand yet. she brings them down from her face, but she's still clutching it between them like a lifeline. )
Well, I don't want to find out how strong that is. ( her shoulders hunch, a little gesture that's supposed to be a shrug following as her gaze drops to the floor. ) I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want to lose you.
( and to think, she doesn't even know how bad it's going to get in mystic falls. )
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it just makes him more determined to keep his promise. now that stefan is human, damon is the last person she has who can't die in something as simple and mortal as a car accident. he's the last person she has who can promise to come back and have a chance of keeping that promise, and nothing will make him break it. more than that, he'll do whatever he has to to keep the other people elena loves alive. any friends she makes on the station, on the planets they visit, stefan — none of them will die if he can help it.
elena's put more space between them, but damon closes it, dropping her hand only to pull her into another hug. it's not the best — hugs are not something he does — but he couldn't see her standing like that without doing something. )
You're going to regret saying that one day, you know, ( he says, voice light with somewhat-forced levity. ) One day you'll want me gone and I'll point to this conversation.